MATCHBOX MOM: October 2010

Nearly 10 years ago Steven and I got married in the Salt Lake Temple. What a blessed day that was for me! It was full of amazing blessings pronounced upon our heads as well as commandments.
I will be eternally grateful to Steven for taking me to the temple to kneel at that alter together. What a whirlwind it has been ever since! Not 2 months later we realized that I was not getting over an infection, and was also getting sicker. I was expecting our first baby. JL was born 1 month before our 1st anniversary. It was hard for me to understand why I was going through motherhood when I had barely gotten used to being a wife! Steven would call to me if he was busy with something "Mom! Someone needs to eat!" Or, "Mom, someone needs a diaper change!" (Steven changed more diapers than I did). I finally told him to please not call me Mom for awhile. It was too hard for me! Not until she was looking up at me from her carseat smiling, did I tell him it was ok for him to call me Mom. She looked up to me. She needed me. She WANTED me for her Mom. At that moment, I knew I wanted to be her Mom, too.
Two years later we welcomed JS into our lives. I couldn't have been more proud, or more ready to be a Momma again. He was and still is everything I ever wanted in a son.
I get HORRIBLY ill when I am expecting. I have hyperemesis which means I spend most of the time either in the hospital, or at home with an IV. Two years after we welcomed our JS, Steven came to me and told me that the spirit had told him TWICE that there was another baby waiting to come to our family. UGH. I did NOT want to have another baby. I was happy with my girl and my boy, and felt fulfilled. Steven was still in school, we only had a 2 bedroom apartment, I had just quit my job to stay home, and things were just plain ROUGH. I responded with a STRONG no! That was in August and in December Steven told me that if we weren't going to do what the Lord asked us to do, we weren't going to be blessed. I already knew back in August that it was time to try again, and I knew that he had felt the spirit. I couldn't deny it & neither could he. Reluctantly I prayed for strength and comfort through this next pregnancy with all the faith I could muster truly thinking that if I did His will, I wouldn't be sick. HA! It was the hardest pregnancy by FAR. Two different times, in two different blessings, Steven and I were told that the Lord was pleased with our obedience, but it was ok to be done. I knew then, and I know now that I couldn't and didn't want to live without this baby boy. He and his siblings are angels in my life. I couldn't live without them.
Their first memories of life were tough times. We struggled and fought to finish school, and struggled financially. We had a small and very humble apartment with small and humble children. They did not have video games, a back yard, a picket fence, fancy cars (or fancy and expensive carseats for that matter), straight from the store clothes, or *gasp* even their own bedrooms. They DID however have a Mother and Father who loved and cared for them VERY much, who taught them to pray, to read, to love, to share, and to be GRATEFUL. We worked hard, and still do.
Today we have a home to live in, a good school to go to, a wonderful street to live on, a DEGREE (yay), and jobs. We still have a long way to go. I have so much I still want to accomplish, but these 3 little monkies are my priority. I love volunteering at the school and watching them learn, listen and grow.
I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and bad endometriosis after JT was born. I knew I couldn't have any more babies. In fact, my Dr told Steven that we COULD have more, but the kids wouldn't have a Momma. Done. What a bittersweet feeling that was. I am so grateful to have 3 healthy kiddos.
The tender mercy in my life is that my Father in Heaven knew. He knew that I would not be able to bear children later in life. He knew and I know that we were SUPPOSED to have our little ones now. Everyone is different. Every story is different. I am, however, very grateful that Steven listens to the spirit, and that I also can feel the spirit in my life. I know that life isn't always what we want it to be, or what we think it SHOULD be. I am grateful for my story. Grateful for the life I lead.
I cannot believe that we started on this journey 10 years ago! What a crazy and wild ride it has been. I wouldn't want to change a thing.