Kicked in the butt...

Okay...I think I am going to admit that today i'm not feeling well mentally. I think i'm going to admit that i've not felt well mentally for a few weeks. There! Whew! I said it!!! I really feel like the title for my blog, life is rough, is very appropriate. I guess i'm just really struggling with a lot of things in my life. I feel like i've been on a huge rollercoaster with ups and downs and loopty loops, and i've not been able to walk off of it yet..and i'm soooo dizzy. Between the stress of finances and having children, and having to buy a new car so that we could all fit, and feeling useless, and hopeless, and restless, whew!! I guess it feels better to just admit it instead of pretending that i'm not feeling well. The only thing that really makes me feel better is that I know that there is a Father in Heaven that is watching over me and my family. I know that he doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm starting to realize that some friendships we've had haven't been worth what we've put into them, at least as far as I can see. I'm tired of being made fun of, stepped on, and put out for nothing. I'm hurt and sad. However, I do have a beautiful daughter who (and people laugh when I say this..) is my best friend. She listens better than any friend i've ever had! And she's 5 years old. I have a son who is the sweetest little guy in the world. I have a little 10 month old who I prayed would be chunky...lo and behold, fat rolls!!! Wooo Hooo!! AND they're all healthy. What a blessing. I feel like i've been kicked in the butt for about the last 3 weeks. I'm ready for this to stop. I'm ready to just enjoy life and what it has to offer to me. I'm ready to kick this feeling in the butt...

Letter in the mail

You never know when a small thing like a letter in the mail is going to influence your day. Today was a letter from JL's first school. "To the parents of..." I'm reading thinking, "Are you sure??? MY little girl is old enough to go to school?" It wasn't like it was a letter telling me how brilliant, beautiful, or socially incredible she is. It was just a letter to let us know about the schedule and school lunch...what time the warning bell is. WHAT???!!! Shouldn't she still be drinking from a bottle and chewing on a binky? I know i'm not old...I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal. I opened it and cried. I can't believe my baby girl is growing up. I can't believe that she's not scared, or nervous. She's excited!!! I guess I just feel like i'm losing my best friend. It's hard to explain. You want your children to succeed and to grow up to be civilized, respectable people. I guess I just don't want her to grow up...period. I wish that the mailman would have misplaced that letter today. I wish that I could turn back time, and keep her little...but then I know she wouldn't be happy. So I guess i'll just try to be brave. I'll kiss her goodnight with that same lump in my throat. I'll pat her on the back and wave goodbye. Stupid letter.

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

NEGATIVE...

Ever noticed how negative the world is???...Sometimes it's really hard for me to stay positive when everything around me is bad. So I thought I would write about some good things...
1. Eternal families...I love my family. I don't ever want to be without them.
2. little girls...I love hearing them talk. They are so funny when they are trying to act like adults. My JL thinks that she is 21. She wants everything a woman should have...make up, curling irons, ect. She's sweet in her own way.
3. big blue eyes...my JS has the biggest blue eyes i've ever seen. Whenever i'm sad, he will look at me with those bright eyes, and usually say something like, "Mom, you're gonna be pretty forever.."
4. chubby legs...not mine, Aunt Deb. JT's. I love it when he's crawling around in just his diaper and his enormous tummy is hanging over, and his cute little chubby legs are jiggling...haha makes me laugh just thinking about it.
5. Husbands...I don't want anyone to throw up, but..I love Steven. He has been so sensitive to my feelings lately. He is so cute when he talks sports or about a book he's reading. I am so proud to be his wife. He's definately a guy, don't get me wrong...we have our moments...but I love that about him too. The whole package is just sweet.
6. Mothers...I love my mom. She is definately up there on the best friends list. I know I can always count on a free meal, or a shoulder to cry on, or a babysitter at the last minute. Throughout my life, it seems i've always woken up during hard times, and seen her face. She's always quick with a laugh, or quick to discipline...she's my favorite!
7. Grandma's...a girl's best friend. I have 4 Grandma's. Steve's Grandma's and both of mine. I've decided i'm going to learn all I can from these women before it's too late. I've learned to garden, crocet, quilt, can fruits, cross stitch, paint, frame, and cook. These women are awesome. Something I didn't think I would get from these wonderful ladies and that is wisdom. When i'm angry or upset, I think to myself, "hmmm...how would Grandma Dillon handle this situation?" She's always full of grace and kindness. I'm sure she bites her tounge a lot also!!!
8. Music...of course i'm a big Matchbox Twenty fan. I love Rob Thomas, and his lyrics. My favorite thing about his music is that he doesn't drop the F bomb. I can listen to him in the car with my kids, or at home with friends, and be totally comfortable with the lyrics in his songs. ( Sadly, his concerts are a different story...) Music has brought my best friend and sister Traci and I together. We always have to turn up our favorite part and say..."Oh here it is...listen to this part.....oh yeah, soooo awesome."
9. Siblings...I have an older sister (only 13 months, don't worry Tiff...) She is so nice to me and my family. I have come home on several occasions and found food where it wasn't before, or diapers where there were none. I KNOW for a fact that it is her. She's a good egg. Brandon is my brother...he's a good kid also. He's been married for nearly 2 years now, and I also love his wife. They are always good to come sit with the kids for awhile if I need to get out. Traci is my baby sister and just got married on Thursday. What a good girl she is...I am honored to be in the same family as these most choice children.
10...and final. I am glad to have a good father. I love my Daddy. He is a rock, a beacon in the night. I'll never forget how early he had to be to work, and yet I would find him on the steps reading his scriptures, or saying a prayer. His undying example has shaped who I am. He's a very brave soul, very courageous. I love him.
Wow!!! I feel better already. I hope that sometimes we can sit and look at the good, like Abraham Lincoln said...if you look for the bad, you shall surely find it. I'm going to focus on the good, and find it.

last night....

Last night was something i've never experienced before. The men in our ward play ball every Thursday night at the church. Since they combined us with the 1st ward, there has been quite a lot of men that show up on Thursday night. It is officially called "Thursday ball night." Our friend Mike was there for the first time. We've spent many nights sitting on the patio laughing and joking, sipping slurpee's. Always joking, always making fun...next thing I know, he's on the ground. The men yelled for us to call 911. I ran to him, he was turning purple. I told him to hang on, that help was on the way. He tried to hold on, but it wasn't long before he was unconcious. The EMT's got there, and tried to revive him. I rode with his wife to the emergency room. They immediately put us in a conference room, where the doctor came in and informed us that her husband had 'unfortunately passed away.' I held her while she cried, and I held her 11 year old son when his mother told him that his Daddy was gone. I still can't believe that last night, his family had a father, a priesthood holder, a friend. Last night our ward had the best scout leader any ward could ask for. Last night, I had a friend, someone who promised to come get me in his tow truck if I was ever in need. Last night, my husband had a buddy, someone to joke with. Last night his wife wasn't a widow, or in mourning. Last night everything changed. Last night our friend Bill was happily joking with his buddy, last night I was worried about some flab on my tummy, last night my daughter didn't need counseling, life is precious, life is fragile, life changed all last night...Tomorrow, I promise to be better.

I HATE the ice cream man....

I really don't know why for sure, but....I absoloutely HATE the ice cream man. The silly carnival music; the creepy man behind the wheel; the over priced cream bars. I mean, really it's annoying to say the least, and nothing bothers me more when I hear a whistle for the creepy man behind the wheel to stop. It takes all I have within my soul to not throw something at him..."You STUPID STUPID creep! Don't buy anything from him! Let him run out of gas, so I don't have to see him anymore!!!" I'm really not an angry person...I don't know maybe there was some sort of traumatic experience when I was a child involving an ice cream man or something...I really don't know. I have these feelings inside of me everytime I hear that stupid "B-I-N-G-O" song. Maybe in my next life, when i'm in charge there won't be such a thing as an ice cream man.

Ten Years...

Ten years ago I was lost...I lost a good friend to a tragic car accident. My life fell apart. I was miserable. I've never wanted to never wake up again so badly in my life. Ten years ago I hated who I was. I was ashamed of myself and whom I had become. I had shut everyone out of my life...friends and family. I lived in fear...I was afraid for my life. Afraid for my sister's life. I cannot believe she's been gone ten years.
Today...I have the best friend in the world. I'm married to him. I am happy. Every morning I wake up to the happy sound of beautiful children. Today I love who I am and who I have become. Today I have so many friends that love me and family who actually care. It's been a long ten years...a lot of healing has taken place. Today I still struggle...but it's help shape who I am. Today I love myself. Today is the best day, and I miss her more than ever before.